A Church Policy for LGBTs and Their Families

On a blog promoting the documentary,Seventh-Gay Adventists,” David Neff, past editor of Christianity Today magazine, posted, “Conservative churches need to think in advance how to relate to families and committed [LGBT] couples who long to be part of their fellowship.” Neff went on to say the film features a lesbian couple and their daughter, who “help a congregation adjust to [their] presence.” Telling word, “adjust.”

I responded to Neff’s post: “How should a church relate to same-sex couples? The same way it should be relating to heterosexual individuals and couples whose lifestyles are at odds with Scripture and Church teaching: For non-members, enthusiastically welcome them and invite/include them in all programs, events, and services the church has to offer (Matt. 11:29); for those seeking membership, call them to repentance (Acts 2:38); for those who are already members, invoke church discipline for the purpose of restoring them into the fellowship (Matt. 18, Gal. 6:1); and for those who willfully remain in unbiblical lifestyles, disfellowship (1 Cor. 5).”

This sparked an online exchange (excerpted below) with one of the filmmakers, Daneen Akers, who made the documentary because of untoward behavior she witnessed by church people during California’s Proposition 8 debate.

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Daneen: I very much hope you’ll watch this film, Regis, just to get a chance to walk in the shoes of deeply faithful Christians who are also gay or lesbian… One couple has two lovely daughters that they want to raise in the church. How should a church welcome them and make sure their daughters don’t grow up feeling that their family isn’t okay? How do we balance the fact that we no longer shun or ostracize divorced and remarried heterosexuals, the vast majority who are remarried on grounds that aren’t according to Biblical standards? …I wonder when the church became about who is in and who is out? I wonder if this one topic is helping Christians witness to the radical and inclusive love of Jesus, whose ministry and words about how the religious establishment of the day excluded those they felt were clearly in violation of the Torah managed to get him executed? I wonder how we change the status quo that has LGBT youth at four times the risk of suicide—and LGBT Christian youth even more so? I wonder how we love even if we have differences?

Regis: Daneen, you’ll recall that Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” Among his commands is the prohibition of sex outside of marriage. As he gave no expressed or implied allowance for same-sex “marriage,” his prohibition includes indulging homosexual desires, regardless of a “committed” relationship, church blessing, or legal union.

Considering the disproportionate incidence of substance abuse, mental health problems, disease, mortality, and suicide among homosexuals, loving them as Christ loved is not affirming their choices and practices, but challenging them to live in accordance with the created purpose of sexuality and encouraging them in their efforts to do so.

As to inclusion, while it is true that Jesus extended his invitation to all, his call was not without conditions: Nicodemus was told he needed to be born again; the disciples were told to deny themselves and carry their cross daily; a rich man was told to give up all his possessions; an adulteress and a lame man were both told to stop sinning; and, in a parable about the kingdom, a man was turned out for wearing the wrong clothes, of all things. The good news is that “many are called” to enter the kingdom, but Jesus’s call to repentance means that “few are chosen.”

You’re right, Daneen, we need to put a human face on it—walk in their shoes, hear their stories, listen to their hearts, and learn about their experiences. I’ve had a number of gay and lesbian people in my life that I have tremendous empathy for because of the struggles they endure and the treatment they too often receive. However, putting a human face on homosexuality does not change the moral truth about homosexual behavior, any more than hearing about a climber’s difficulty scaling Mt Everest changes the truth about gravity. Nor does it relieve us from the hard and inconvenient call to “teach them to obey everything I have commanded you.”

Let me suggest that it is not the job of the church to make children of same-sex couples feel that their family is okay. Why? Because, while the church may be able to shield them from the truth of Scripture, it cannot shield them from the truth of Nature. Eventually, they will come face-to-face—whether visiting the zoo, reading a chapter in biology, or witnessing a pair of birds, dogs, or cats doing what such pairs are wont to do—with the fact that Nature multiplies, diversifies, and flourishes not from sameness, but complementarity. Such happened to a friend of mine after 20 plus years in the lesbian lifestyle, twelve of which in a “committed” relationship.

Despite being told by three different “Christian” pastors that there was nothing wrong with her relationship (instead, each assured her it was a “blessing from God!”), everything she had allowed herself to believe began unraveling one afternoon while watching couple after couple pushing strollers in the park. She eventually left her partner and the lifestyle, determined to be defined not by her desires but by her design. Although life after lesbianism has not been without struggle and some defeat, it has been marked by a growing confidence in her true identity with an increased ability to overcome the “old ways.”

Daneen, as I’m sure you know, homosexuality affects less than two percent of the population, according to the CDC. This means that a child raised in a homosexual home will be, most likely, heterosexual. But same-sex parents cannot credibly teach their heterosexual children how to understand their sexuality or experience it in a manner consistent with their design. They cannot model how they should relate to the opposite sex in courtship, dating, and marriage. They can only mimic a version of romantic love that puts their children at risk for sexual confusion, confliction, and dysfunction. No wonder that the American College of Pediatrians reports that children raised in homosexual homes “are more likely to experience sexual confusion, engage in risky sexual experimentation, and later adopt a same-sex identity.”

The church’s duty to such children—as for children of foster homes, single-parent families, blended families, or “intact” nuclear families—is not to assure them that their family is “normal,” but to help them overcome whatever challenges they face at home, school, or elsewhere so that they can develop spiritually, emotionally, and holistically.

As for their parents—the church is to be a place where they, and the rest of us, are neither affirmed in our sins (whatever they may be) nor condemned for them, but a place where we are joined together on the life-long journey of transformation, overcoming sin’s gravitational pull, even if incrementally and incompletely, through the sanctifying grace of the Holy Spirit and a caring community of faith.

¤ ¤ ¤

How will your congregation, parish, or diocese relate to the sexually confused and their families? Have you thought about it? You’d better, because it’s a question every Christian church will face, sooner or later.

Editor’s note: Pictured above, a young girl stands with her mother as they wait for the start of the York Pride parade on June 9, 2018 in York, England. (Photo by Ian Forsyth/Getty Images)


  • Regis Nicoll

    Regis Nicoll is a retired nuclear engineer and a fellow of the Colson Center who writes commentary on faith and culture. He is the author of Why There Is a God: And Why It Matters.

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