Going “No-Contact”

Recently there was an article in the Wall Street Journal about a growing trend: adult children cutting off all contact with their parents. It is becoming more common—unfortunately I have this issue in my own family, as one of my sisters hasn’t spoken with any of us in six years (we’re not sure why, as she won’t communicate her reasons to us). I know many families struggle with the same situation.

Young adults who estrange themselves from their parents call it “going no-contact.” They usually cite that their parents are “toxic” and that they need “space” for their mental health. Sometimes they had a political or lifestyle disagreement, and this led to a seemingly unhealable rift. Other times, therapists will identify parents as the source of all angst and trial in someone’s life, and this prompts them to cut themselves off. And it is a sad reality that, at times, parents can be truly abusive—and this is a tragedy. But such instances of genuine abuse are the exception. Rather, what people call “toxic” generally means that they are difficult to love, because they are imperfect—but aren’t we all?

What a sad society we live in if we only love people who are pleasant and charming! What an empty world when we cut out from our lives people who sacrificed everything for us, simply because it is too much effort to love them! Sadly, our narcissistic culture has legitimized a person prioritizing their mental health and peace of mind over the very real duties and obligations that we have as children to love and care for our parents.

Love of one’s parents is one of the most essential parts of the Judeo-Christian ethos. In fact, it is the only Commandment with a promise: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” And the book of Sirach instructs us, “For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, and will be credited to you against your sins; in the day of your distress it will be remembered in your favor; like frost in fair weather, your sins will melt away. Whoever forsakes a father is like a blasphemer, and whoever angers a mother is cursed by the Lord.”

The wounds inflicted by “going no-contact” are multigenerational. Of course, it deeply wounds the parents, who sacrificed so much of their lives for these children. Although no one is a perfect parent, their love was real and incarnated in a myriad of ways, both visible and invisible—the ingratitude of their children is a knife wounding the depths of their hearts. It hurts the next generation, too, as grandkids grow up without a relationship with their Nonna or Papa—a relationship that is mutually enriching. A grandchild needs the unconditional love of a grandparent, and the wisdom passed down through the generations is nearly impossible to replace. To deprive a child of this because of the parent’s interpersonal troubles with the grandparents is to deprive them of a love that is rightfully theirs.

And, of course, the adult who cuts off their own parents stunts their own spiritual and personal growth. How else can we learn to love sacrificially, unless we have someone for whom it is a sacrifice to love? Seeing our parents’ flaws but loving them anyway is a development in compassion. We ought to see our parents’ flaws with a merciful eye. My own father lost his dad at 15 and his mother at 19, and so he was an orphan before he finished college. Looking back at my dad’s fatherhood—imperfect though it may have been—I am reminded of how much he had to learn on his own, how much he suffered from a lack of parents, and his heroic efforts to become the best father he could be. Hopefully we can look at our parents’ flaws with kindness, knowing that they themselves were raised in an imperfect, broken family. Outside of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what perfect family ever existed in this fallen world?

At times, parents may have unintentionally contributed to their adult children’s rejection, in two ways. First, some parents focus so much on giving their kids the American Dream that they neglect to form their character. The parent who drove their kid to every sports practice under the sun and made sure they got a 4.0 in high school, pressuring them to “succeed” in every worldly category, but omitted teaching them about the sacrifice required by love, cannot expect them to learn that lesson on their own. Alternatively, when parents make their lives revolve around their 2.1 kids, placing them at the exact center of the universe, it is no surprise that the adult children still believe that lie.

Interestingly, a Connecticut woman is fighting back. Going by the moniker “Doormat Mom,” Laura Wellington has amassed a significant following of thousands of parents who are equally brokenhearted that their children have decided to cut them out of their lives.

She advises not to hound or bother wayward children, but to keep the door open so that if they return to a relationship, they will not find recrimination but a real desire to heal. I would add that prayer and fasting are essential, as are hope and trust in God. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees of a happy ending, but we must never give up hope.

Disagreeing with our parents isn’t toxic—it’s the sign of a healthy relationship of mutual respect. Loving someone who is challenging isn’t abusive—it’s sanctifying. Love is not easy, and family are the people whom we do not get to choose—they are chosen for us by God, so that we may learn to love when it costs. Yes, we can put boundaries on relationships to keep them healthy—but to forsake a loved one, especially in their older years, is a grievous sin. In the words of the Book of Proverbs, “If one curses his mother or father, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness.”