The Crisis of Masculinity Is Really a Crisis of Friendship

By now, it’s no secret that men today are struggling. Not only are they outnumbered by women in the workforce and college, but fewer of them are marrying and forming families. To make matters worse, as writer Dr. Charles Cornish-Dale (whom I interviewed here) writes at length in his book The Last Men: Liberalism and the Death of Masculinity (which I reviewed here), men today are producing far less testosterone and sperm than the men of previous generations. Instead of striving at work and making their mark on the world, most men today languish in their parents’ basement, consuming online porn, video games, and manosphere slop.

It would be unfair to only blame men for this. The DEI policies of schools and most employers have shut out and held down whole generations of white men from the economy and culture. Meanwhile, mass media has demonized men, casting them as toxic oppressors who need to be sedated and pacified early on. Even on a biological level, men growing up today are subjected to all kinds of endocrine disruptors in their food, water, and daily products, which compromise their physical virility. Altogether, these factors have sapped the strength, assertiveness, and dynamism of men—which, in turn, has made them less attractive to women.

Fortunately, there are some ways for men to overcome these obstacles and reach their potential. On the health front, they can eat better, exercise, sleep more, and avail themselves of various supplements and treatments that help with hormone production (popularly known as “biohacking”). On the intellectual and emotional front, they can heed the wisdom of great thinkers in the past, live moderately, and avoid destructive vices. If men do these things, they should be able to be generally successful in life.

But will it be enough? While these usual prescriptions for self-improvement are salutary, they tend to neglect one major piece of the manliness puzzle: friendship. There are many ambitious young men who avoid processed foods, stay in healthy shape, read Stoic philosophy, and study hard in school yet also happen to be antisocial introverts whom nobody can stand.

Although the loneliness epidemic has received more attention lately—there are even loneliness influencers on TikTok—this problem is particularly bad for men. Many men do not have close friends, nor do they have much of a social life in general. In the past, men would form bonds with other men at school, the workplace, or a fraternal organization. But in the age of smartphones, remote work, and disappearing third places, most men no longer meet one another. More often than not, their social life consists of a few podcasts and a couple of group texts where they can send inappropriate memes to each other.

Of course, married men are told again and again that they should just make their wives their best (and only) friends, but this is a terrible idea. While it is obviously important for a man to be close with his wife, he must resist the temptation to make her his only source of meaningful friendship. This places an unfair burden on her (sometimes called “emotional labor”) that she is not equipped to handle.

As a woman, she does not fully understand the way men experience the world nor what challenges they encounter, just as a man could not fully understand the experiences and struggles of a woman. And as a wife, she cannot but help lose respect for her husband who depends on her for validation and understanding—it quickly becomes irritating and signals weakness.

The same idea applies to dating. A man without friends might be even less romantically appealing than a short, overweight man without a job. This is because such a man will usually lack charisma, confidence, and emotional intelligence. Either the pursued woman will reject him altogether or she will keep him confined to the friend zone where she can continue to enjoy his attention and favors from a safe distance. Occasionally, she may agree to be his girlfriend or even marry him, only to regret this decision later.

A common objection is that these men should stop seeking friendship from other men and broaden their standards to include women. If women dominate every setting and men can’t seem to find other men, then men should simply befriend women and maintain platonic relationships with them. Unfortunately, due to their fundamentally different natures, a close friendship between men and women will inevitably run into some problems. At best, it can be a productive but relatively superficial relationship that relies on convenience and circumstance; at worst, one person will fall in love with the other, developing feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, and frustration. For that reason, it is best to cultivate a certain detachment when interacting with the opposite sex to avoid this misunderstanding.

Although the slang expression “bros before hoes” is crude and usually expressed as a warning against manipulative floozies, it is also good advice for bachelors seeking a spouse: he should seek out friends before seeking out a lover. As Christian pastor J. Chase Davis advises in his recent book Offensive Christianity: Restoring the Strength of Men in a Feminized Age, men must “find a phalanx” to successfully contend with today’s feminized world. Without this, they and their institutions will inevitably become emasculated. By contrast, if they find a band of brothers, they will become an effective force for good in their community. Even Aristotle devotes a whole chapter to this point in his Nicomachean Ethics.

Davis goes on to explain how churches can facilitate male bonding and serve specifically male needs, but it may be more important for men themselves to acknowledge their own unaddressed need for friends. Even though Christian men regularly hear about the great friendships of Christ with His disciples and have heard Him say that “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” they will often shrug and make excuses about their own failure to make friends with other men. One can only imagine what would happen if they prioritized friendship the same way they prioritized employment, good health, or satisfying entertainment.

As the saying goes, where there is a will, there is a way. But right now, there is little will to make friends. Churches and other organizations can devise all kinds of programs and events to introduce men to one another, but if men fail to properly account for the need for friendship, such efforts will be in vain. And if men never bother making friends, then the progress they make in other areas of life will ultimately mean little.

Until both men (and women) accept this reality, the crisis of male decline—and the related female malaise—will continue unabated. Much like Christ tells His disciples to “seek first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well,” men today must seek first other good men and solid friendships, and all the goods of masculinity (strength, vigor, ambition, etc.) will come to them as well.