The Beginning of the Gospel of Barack Obama, the Son of God (According to Mark Shea)
1:1 As it is written in the AP Manual, “Behold, I send my press corps before thy face, who shall prepare thy way.” And so it came to pass that pundits went forth into all that country, preaching a vote of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And lo, these pundits spake by the Spirit of the Age, going into all their towns and cities and declaring:
1:2 “He is not operating on the same plane as ordinary politicians. . . . [He is] the agent of transformation in an age of revolution, as a figure uniquely qualified to open the door to the 21st century.” — Gary Hart
1:3 “Barack Obama is our collective representation of our purest hopes, our highest visions and our deepest knowings . . . . He’s our product out of the all-knowing quantum field of intelligence.” — Eve Konstantine
1:4 “This is bigger than Kennedy. . . . This is the New Testament.” “I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often. No, seriously. It’s a dramatic event.” — Chris Matthews
1:5 “[Obama is] creative imagination which coupled with brilliance equals wisdom . . . . [He is] the man for this time.” — Toni Morrison
1:6 “Obama’s finest speeches do not excite. They do not inform. They don’t even really inspire. They elevate. . . . He is not the Word made flesh, but the triumph of word over flesh . . . . Obama is, at his best, able to call us back to our highest selves.” — Ezra Klein
1:7 “Obama has the capacity to summon heroic forces from the spiritual depths of ordinary citizens and to unleash therefrom a symphonic chorus of unique creative acts whose common purpose is to tame the soul and alleviate the great challenges facing mankind.” — Gerald Campbell
1:8 “We’re here to evolve to a higher plane . . . . He is an evolved leader . . . . . [He] has an ear for eloquence and a Tongue dipped in the Unvarnished Truth.” — Oprah Winfrey
1:9 “I would characterize the Senate race as being a race where Obama was, let’s say, blessed and highly favored. That’s not routine. There’s something else going on. I think that Obama, his election to the Senate, was divinely ordered. . . . I know that that was God’s plan.” — Bill Rush
1:10 Therefore did the multitudes go out to Obama in the wilderness of Iowa, Alaska, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Carolina, and Utah. And seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
1:11 Blessed are those who Believe, for they shall say, “Yes We Can!”
1:12 Blessed are those who say, “Yes We Can!” for they shall audaciously Hope.
1:13 Blessed are those who Hope, for they shall speak of Change.
1:14 Blessed are those who speak of Change, for they shall Get Fired Up.
1:15 Blessed are those who Get Fired Up, for they shall be baptized with the Spirit of the Age.
1:16 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst during long rallies, for they shall drink the waters of Evian and I shall not lose my photo op.
1:17 Blessed are we. For we are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the Change that we seek.
1:18 Blessed are you, when men shall question you, and ask specifics, and seek all manner of policy detail for clarity’s sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for so persecuted they the vague-minded which were before you. They shall drag you before TV cameras and microphones, and ask all manner of questions about specifics and you shall give testimony to me before the kings of the earth. But he that remains vague until the end shall receive a great reward in the Administration that is come.
1:19 And behold, great multitudes from Idaho, Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia, and Washington followed him. And more than ever believers were added to Obama, multitudes both of men and women, so that when he came by they might at least touch the hem of his garment.
1:20 And the All Knowing Quantum Field of Intelligence did extraordinary miracles by the hands of Obama, so that handkerchiefs were carried away from his body to the worshippers, and spirits of cynicism came out of them and they were found dressed and in their left minds.
1:21 Many who heard him were astonished, saying, “Where did this man get all this? What is this wisdom given to him?”
1:22 And they were amazed at him. For he went throughout the land, preaching new wine for new wineskins, and the multitudes came to him in prayer and supplication.
1:23 Therefore did his disciples proclaim: “If any one thirst, let him come to Obama and drink. He who believes in Obama, as the scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water.’” He is the Chosen One consubstantial with the Father and the Paraclete.
1:24 For Obama is our peace, who has made the two Americas one, and has broken down the dividing wall of hostility. Now, speaking in vague generalities, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Obama, from whom the one big organism, joined and knit together by every joint with which it is supplied, when each part is working properly, makes bodily growth and upbuilds itself in love of him.
1:25 And behold, there appeared a great wonder in the heavens, a woman clothed in stylish raiment, with Jimmy Choo heels under her feet and necklace of twelve beads around her neck, interceding for the faithful.
1:26 And there appeared another wonder in heaven: Behold! A great dragon in a pantsuit. And her tail drew the third part of the superdelegates, and did cast them into four-star restaurants to schmooze them.
1:27 And there was war in heaven: Blessed Michelle fought against the dragon; that old serpent, called Rodham, and Clinton, which deceiveth the whole electorate.
1:28 There were signs in the Sun and moon, and Blessed Michelle appeared unto millions on televisions, iPods, and streaming computers warning that the consummation of all things was at hand and saying, “He that is whole needeth not the physician, but he that is sick. Thy broken hearts are restless till they rest in Obama.”
1:29 And behold the Good News spread and multiplied, so that the monks of Clooney came to him and declared, “Master! I will follow you wherever you go!” and a sister of the Halle Name went before him, making straight his path, lest at any time Obama dash his foot against a paper cup.
1:30 And on the third day, he rose in the polls.
1:31 And the dragon was exceeding wroth, and went to make war with the remnant of uncommitted delegates. But though she struck at his heel, he crushed her head.
1:32 For lo, all that was written by the pundits must be fulfilled, for it was necessary that Obama go from race to race and glory to glory, for he is with us always! He is the Alpha and the Omega of American History, who was and who is and who is to come. For the Metaphysical Force is with him.
1:33 Amen! Marana tha! Come, Lord Obama! The Spirit of the Age and the Brights say, “Come! Even so, come, Lord Obama! And we shall have no God but Caesar!”