Coffee Hour With the Feds

What is a Catholic to do when our after-Mass coffee hours are infiltrated by federal agents?

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It has come to this granny’s attention that our sweet coffee hours might be infiltrated by the Feds, guardians of our noble democracy. We know this is for our own protection. An FBI whistleblower warned us of the Bureau’s plans to intensify “assessment” and “mitigation” of Radical Traditionalist Catholics. And where would this assessment be conducted except at Mass and over donuts?

How do you “mitigate” a group of people? Oh, but it’s only the radicals—so not to worry. But who are the radicals we are to fear?  

I don’t know any, but I think it is prudent, nowadays, for the rest of us to practice guardianship of the tongue and custody of the eyes when we gather after Mass.

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But we shouldn’t use patriarchal terms like “guardian,” or triggering police terminology like “custody.”  So maybe just keep your mouth shut and your gaze averted. That’s not suspicious. Sip your coffee and don’t go for the white powdered donuts. In fact, don’t go for anything white. White should never be a preference.

I do not trust that the Feds will notice the great diversity among our large extended families. The 10 half-Asian nieces and nephews and the four half-black grand nieces and nephews in my large extended family should show positive on my “diversity” score card. And I see similar trends among many other Traditionalist families because we are just so darn big, we have our own way of quickening the blood lines.

I love when I go to Mass in Orange County, where my son lives. I see loads of adorable Vietnamese children. Traditional Catholics are apt to actually sit in the same pews as many serious families of diverse races. With so many fleeing persecution and living heroic lives, they search out the heroic-style rite of Mass—not an American-Vanilla-Lite liturgy where God is luv while relatives have been macheted in the jungle. 

Our darling black friends at the TLM should not be made to feel like a minority group. They are not a minority, there are just fewer of them. We should look on them the way 5-year-old grandson Cillian does. Not only does he not recognize that his friend James is a black man, he does not recognize that James is 60 years older than he is and might not want to spend the whole coffee hour bending down, talking to him.

A few other cautions. Moms, do not use words like “blow-outs,” no matter how bad the diaper. Totally triggering. If you sigh once too many times, somebody might think you don’t love your motherhood after all and are enslaved as a breeder. Some of the younger domestic surveillance generation are strange folk; many agents are familiar only with the norms of daycare. They are disinterested in or unfamiliar with the care of young children in the hands of non-professional young parents (once called mothers), and they might be confused by such homely terms as chaos, fighting, dirt, punishment, bad. Use less aggressive terms like melee, scuffles, earth, discipline, inappropriate behavior. Moms, do not use words like “blow-outs,” no matter how bad the diaper. Totally triggering. Tweet This

The whistleblower’s report indicates we Traditionalist Catholics—or is it Radical Traditionalist Catholics?—are an “environmental variable.” Since there is no official gathering place for “Radical Traditionalist Catholics,” or a Mass that per se is for “Radical Traditionalist Catholics,” we must assume that all who attend the TLM are suspect. I don’t think the Feds are relinquishing this paradigm. So, note, a TLM-friendly parish is like a mosque that provides association for terrorists and radicalizes young believers. That is, if there were such a thing as Islamic terrorists.

On a more serious note, we Catholics have got to understand how different we are from the world.  Many of us who have lived long enough know we have not changed. The world has radically changed.  Our culture has radically changed. Most indicative of the radically new nature of our society is the acceptance of cutting off body parts and switching them out like Lego pieces in a pretend effort to become what the person can never be. You might call that insanity.  

But I am afraid it is something worse. Insane people often fracture and withdraw under the weight of their obsessions. Evil people double down; and by their intensity, confidence, and threats, they move a wide swathe of people to see problems where they never were. People who push the trans agenda generally belong to our ruling elite. They challenge us: What is Truth? Truth is the pivot point of our lives now. To believe there is Truth is to be on the wrong side of history, the wrong side of academia and government and organized religion and all the platforms of communication.  

The elite and their minions do perceive us as threats. And because of the thoughts in our head, not anything we do, they accuse us of radicalism. They do not think of us as fellow citizens with old-fashioned moral goals, or who more carefully cultivate a spiritual life, or who are simply less pragmatic when dealing with societal issues—abort the unwanted; euthanize the feeble—they think of us as evil.   The elite and their minions do perceive us as threats. And because of the thoughts in our head, not anything we do, they accuse us of radicalism.Tweet This

This came to me like a slap upside the head when I saw the terror of some of the female reporters reacting to the fall of Roe v. Wade. They were not annoyed or disappointed, they were terrified. Some expressed fear of living in a State that did not protect their daughter’s right to her own body. The defeat of Roe did not mean to them a return to the mores of 60 years ago. It meant the State’s control of their daughter’s pelvic area. 

Before we launch into the lunacy of women eager to support daughters who abort their own grandchildren—please do not disregard their terror. It is real. And through that prism of dread, they cannot judge rightly the Mark Houcks of the world—or you, if you are pro-life. And when they are elderly and have no joy from memories running after grandbabies in the garden, they will be even more fearful and resentful of people who have lived open to life. 

By this author:

I rather like that Traditionalist Catholics are considered an “environmental variable.” I feel that gives us some cachet. Please, Pope Francis, take note. Can you not accompany us on this journey?  

As followers of Christ, we believe what has always been taught about sex and marriage. We are not radical. We are just Catholic.  


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