How Not to Prepare for Marriage

Things got a little heated around here last week on Zoe’s post about marriage and annulments. In response to the news that Pope Benedict was asking marriage tribunals to tighten up the annulment process, Zoe suggested that we should be taking marriage prep more seriously at the same time — with an eye toward obviating the need for so many annulments later.

It seems like one diocese is trying to do just that: The Phoenix diocese has recently decided to require nine months of marriage preparation instead of the usual six (in addition to mandatory NFP classes) to stem “the tide of marital breakdown.”

Over at the Creative Minority Report, guest blogger Erin Manning understands the impulse, but thinks that this kind of “sacramental gatekeeping” is the wrong move:

A couple wishing to marry in the Phoenix Diocese isn’t going to undo what might be a couple of decades of religious indifference or bad catechesis with a whopping total of three extra months of preparation, especially when a lot of that preparation is likely to involve being in a classroom with dozens of other couples who are all filling out worksheets with titles like “Relationship tools–what are your expectations of marriage?” or “Money–who is in charge?” A simple Google search of the Pre-Cana program (a standard marriage preparation class for Catholics) shows glowing reviews by couples who attended–and who lived together before marriage and had no idea of separating before the wedding, and who weren’t asked to, or who lied and said they had separate addresses, etc. . . .

So what ends up happening is this: the philosophy of Sacramental Gatekeeping keeps thinking that less-serious Catholics can be brought to a greater understanding and appreciation for the sacraments they seek if they have to attend more classes (and pay more class fees), take more tests, prove more attendance, add more “service hours,” and otherwise do more and more things that really have very little to do with the sacraments at all as “minimum requirements” for receiving these sacraments. And the less-serious Catholics keep figuring out ways to get around the increasingly burdensome requirements–while those Catholics who do take their faith seriously, who are at Mass every Sunday and Holy Day (and sometimes quite a few weekdays as well), who have been active in their parishes since their Baptisms (or at least since they left the Cry Room) end up being told “You wish to receive a sacrament, or have your child receive one? Great! Here are six more hoops through which you must jump…” 

Erin has a valid point: “More” doesn’t always mean “better.” Sometimes it’s just more. But it’s clear from her comments that she doesn’t find the standard marriage-prep class to be all that enlightening, either. So what’s the answer?

As a single person who has never been through a marriage-prep course, I can’t really speak to the content of those classes. But with so many friends who have agonized over their vocations, whether a particular person is “the one,” when they should be getting married, etc., I’ve always seen a usefulness for something like a “pre- pre-Cana” program. By the time a couple reaches the marriage-prep stage, the wedding is essentially a done deal — save-the-date cards have been sent, caterers have been booked, and the odds of a couple calling off (or even simply postponing) a marriage because of any potential issues turned up in their pre-Cana courses seems slim.

So rather than wait until the decision is made, why not help them get to the right decision in the first place? What about marriage discernment counseling or retreats for couples? Most of our current discernment outreach seems focused on the religious life — a necessary and helpful thing — but marriage is often treated as the fall-back alternative, without much guidance offered on what the married vocation means or, more particularly, what it might mean for a given couple. As my local priest said recently, “Preparation for the priesthood takes six to eight years. Preparation for marriage can be done in two weekends.” Something is not right with this picture.

Still, this is probably the kind of thing that would interest those who take their faith seriously already — not necessarily those who really need the most guidance on the subject of sacramental marriage. Making it a mandatory step to marriage in the Church doesn’t seem likely, or even necessary. But surely helping to guide a couple in making what may be the most important decision of their lives could only help.

What do you guys think? What are some realistic, concrete ways we could improve marriage prep — or any sacrament prep — without simply turning them into more “hoops” to jump through?