Whither Sacramental Marriage: Problems We Have Culturally and Catechetically

When I was a seminarian (in the early 1980s), authorities in our formation would say at times something like: “We are preparing you for a ministry which is not yet here.” This futuristic comment was intended to get us thinking about the things we took for granted in the priestly ministry. Some, maybe most of them, would go away. The climate of the era back then was such that change—both doctrinal and pastoral—was coming and we ought not to be caught unaware.

I don’t see anything problematical in the phrase “took for granted” which I used above regarding the priestly ministry. I intended it in the sense that our Catholic history and sacramental theology prepare us to expect priests to offer Mass, hear confessions, anoint the sick and dying, and, more generally, officiate at the Church’s liturgical rites. But will that always include priests presiding at marriages?

The prognostication of my seminary formators notwithstanding, the future, I argue, is already here. And whatever else can be said prophetically, it is definitely not the case that priests have gone away. No, the problem is that weddings have gone away. And have they ever! A short time ago I saw a statistic comparing the number of Catholic weddings now with the number of Catholic weddings only five decades ago. The drop-off has been a jaw-dropping 75 percent.

In my assignments over more than forty years as a priest, I have seen the number of weddings plummet from triple figures (that is, in the first parish to which I was assigned, there were, on average, 100 weddings per annum) in the mid- to late 1980s to just one in my current assignment. Obviously, there are many factors to consider in the massive decline we have witnessed. Some are considerations which have to do primarily with the culture. In other instances, the massive decline in Catholic Church weddings is attributable largely to catechetical failures.

Cohabitation is common now, but it was not always so. In fact, in the 1970s, not even 1 percent of men and women lived as cohabitating romantic partners at any given time. Today, about 15 percent of young adults are cohabiting, and as many as 70 percent of women have cohabited at some point (DiDonato, 2021).

Parental approval for cohabitation has risen markedly too. Two well-educated Catholic men told me recently that they encouraged their own daughters to live together with their boyfriends before getting married. I wonder if these fathers know that cohabitation is linked to a higher divorce rate. According to available research, for women who cohabitate prior to marriage, the odds of divorce are 1.31 times higher (Rosenfeld and Roesler, 2019).

With the high incidence of cohabitation today—including varying lengths to the arrangement too—marriageable men and women foreclose against any consideration of a church wedding. Couples just head right to the city or town clerk on their own schedule to make it “official” if that be their concern. Then, of course, there are those couples who decide on “destination weddings,” assuring that “their own personal touch” is evident in the “experience.”

What, though, does the Church do to offset the highly individualized conception of marriage that prevails culturally? Is there a catechesis robust enough to stand up to the pre-Christian and anti-Christian attitudes so ingrained in the culture now?

The best kind of Pre-Cana I have been around is the one held on a weekend. The presence of well-qualified married couples (who present the talks for the engaged couples on Saturdays and Sundays) and suitable facilities (which are not easy to find) are usually a good start. Add to that a priest who can devote his time and pastoral zeal on his two busiest days of the week, and the prospects for personal growth and conversion begin to ripen and mature among the engaged couples. In the end, though, it’s just too brief. What is needed really is a month of weekends for marriage preparation. This way, the seeds of faith sown in prayer, sacramental celebration, and the practice of the virtues have the time to take root in rich soil.

What about long range? Is there anything we can do to foster a lifelong readiness for genuinely Catholic marriages? I think so.

We do not have a marriage until there is an exchange of vows between a husband and wife. And long before the exchange of vows there is a lot of preparation. Not just a proximate preparation either—things like a honeymoon, a place to live, etc. There is also a remote preparation too—even if we hardly seem aware of it. That remote preparation can be traced back to how we grew up, how we were raised, the habits we acquired along the way, the pivotal decisions we made in adolescence and early adulthood, and so many other intangibles.

A future husband and a future wife undergo a formation long before they even meet each other. This formation is a mix of giving and receiving. The giving and receiving are not indiscriminate, for they are governed by faith and reason. The outcome is what we call self-mastery, that is, the capacity to control one’s impulses and live abstinently. Insofar as we describe self-mastery in terms of virtue, we call it chastity.

We become chaste by training our minds and hearts to reject the heaviness of sensuality. That’s right—we aim to free ourselves of the heaviness of sensuality. But just how is it accomplished? We take our cue from Saint Paul who writes to the Galatian Christians: “For freedom Christ set us free.” (Gal 5:1)

This is not some kind of tautology. The noun “freedom” is a state of the mind and the heart. But in order to arrive at the state of freedom, it is necessary to undertake what we call an ascesis. That is, we assume a practice which can help to deliver us from the yoke we put on ourselves from misusing the sexual faculty. What these ascetical practices do is allow us to exchange the heavy yoke for the lighter yoke which Jesus promised for all who come to him. (cf. Matt 11:28-30)

Praying the Holy Rosary, making Holy Hours, and voluntarily taking up penitential acts are ways to arrive at the lighter yoke. But these practices are often not found in sufficient time, that is, not before young adult Catholics have been introduced to the “hook-up” culture on college campuses. When the dating culture is sought over the “hook-up” culture, there can be a proper establishment of priorities such that interpersonal relations are more highly prized than “sexual mechanics.” The gift of oneself, in all its modalities too, is the higher calling to which young Catholics should aspire. Young Catholics need help, encouragement, and role models. These are in short supply, unfortunately.

Being in short supply now doesn’t mean that all is lost, and that we should just give up. What is needed, though, is a new culture, a rival culture. This new culture has to be built up steadily and it must be centered on the personal integration of Catholics into a new way of living. That new way of living is indubitably founded on a proper understanding of freedom.

A proper understanding of freedom is given us by Pope Saint John Paul II in his encyclical Veritatis Splendor (1993). He says there that the “worship of God and a relationship with truth . . . are the deepest foundation of freedom.” (87) It’s not the worship of a body—a sexual partner’s body at that. That would be false worship. And then of course there is the truth—a relationship with it. That would be the Lord of history Himself. (“Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice.” Jn 18:37)

Like so many things in the Church today, the problem of civil marriages and non-sacramental unions must be approached from the vantage point of evangelization. Here I cite Saint Paul, the great evangelizer: “Woe to me if I do not preach the Gospel.” (I Cor. 9:16) Let’s all get to work then.