How to Find a Wife Without Looking for One

Today’s “dating culture” is, to put it mildly, absolutely abysmal. Even in traditionalist spaces, men and women alike are frustrated at how difficult it is to find someone. One young traditionalist Catholic (in a since-deleted video) proclaimed he was “giving up on dating” after over 500 unsuccessful attempts.

Despite all this, plenty of young traditional Catholics are getting married. My wedding was one of many at my TLM parish this year, with several scheduled for next year. I am grateful to God for leading me to my marriage despite failing to abide by most of what passes for dating advice for men nowadays. In fact, I wasn’t consciously looking at all, and she was the only woman I had asked on a date in my life. After hearing the stories of many other happily married men and women, I noticed that those men had been far less fixated on finding a spouse than many single men I know.

1. Focus on Being Catholic

This may seem blatantly obvious, but all good advice will place this at the top of the list. Your primary goal is not to get married; it is to love God. Any goals you have should always be secondary and in line with this main goal. The world continuously sets traps to distract you from this ultimate goal, making it very easy to accidentally slide into making other goals ends in themselves. This means you must make a consistent effort, day by day, to direct your focus to loving God, with all things (marriage included) being secondary.

This means focusing on prayer, penance, and almsgiving. A man who cultivates these habits because he loves God will benefit in areas far beyond courting his future wife. However, a man who cultivates these habits primarily to attract a spouse has misunderstood their purpose. Put God first; and commit to viewing all good things (including marriage) as gifts from God.

2. Desire to Be a Husband

The kind of woman you should want to marry is not looking for a man who just wants a wife. She is looking for a man who will be a good husband to her. A man who is looking for marriage as a cure for loneliness is not marriage material. A man who is entirely focused on getting married “before it’s too late” is not marriage material.

Additionally, a man who becomes overly focused on “winning” a woman rather than loving her is not marriage material. He risks treating her as a task to be accomplished. She becomes more of a prize to be won than a person to be loved.

When I was first courting my wife, I can say earnestly that I was focused on her good. I had fully accepted from the very beginning that as much as I was hoping for marriage, it was not my sole end in mind.

I got her books on the saints for us to read together, and our first few dates mostly consisted of talking about those saints. In the early stages, there was another man trying very hard to “win” her, tactically focused on competing with me for her affection. To him, every conversation was a battle of wit, every gift to her an investment, whereas I didn’t treat it as a competition at all. I was focused on her good. He later told me that he considered it a waste of time to befriend a woman he might not marry.

This mindset must be rejected. Yes, you should date to marry. But this clearly doesn’t mean you should reduce every conversation to nothing more than a means to a potential marriage. Be a gentleman at all times.

3. Be Part of Many Communities

I met my wife after she read an article I had written when I was a columnist. She reached out to me and invited me to be an editor for her group. That was five years before I began courting her. A few months before dating, we began regularly praying the Rosary together.

Many young Catholic couples I know knew each other before their first date. Often this meant men being active in Catholic groups and other organizations and making friends with the men and women there. After spending some time together as friends and developing an attraction, then the men would ask for a date.

This is not to say this is the only way or the best way, but it does help answer a lot of important questions before the first date. And this is something men in general should be doing anyway. You should not be joining these groups primarily to meet women; you should be joining groups because that’s how you make friends, grow in holiness, help the poor, and evangelize.

If there aren’t any groups like this near you, start one of your own. Participate in not just one but several communities focused on doing good. You will meet like-minded people who also want to volunteer their time to do good.

This will also help you learn how to talk to people. Many Catholic women have been saying that a lot of men, in their experience, are struggling to connect with women. Perhaps they’re spending too much time online, or they’re battling a porn addiction, or they’re just too hyperfocused on identifying a potential spouse. Whatever the issue, learn to cut out the bad habits and spend more time with friends in person (the latter will help you with the former).

4. Learn How to Sacrifice

Between my first date with my wife and our wedding, I started strength training regularly and lost 70 pounds. I stayed far away from online fitness culture (I never had a gym membership. I only had kettlebells and walked a lot). I also learned to love fasting.

What works best will vary from person to person, but you should find a routine that teaches you to endure discomfort. Learn how to voluntarily give up time, money, or comfort. Devote more time to prayer, even when you don’t feel like it. Learn to jump at any opportunity to render greater glory to God by sacrificing a bit more.

All four of these recommendations can be summarized in one sentence: put marriage in its rightful place. If you hope to get married one day, then be prepared to ask someone on a date when the situation calls for it—but prioritize being a saint. Focus on prayer, rooting out your faults, and helping those around you.

Paradoxically, it’s often the case that when you stop treating marriage as the ultimate goal, you become far more capable of entering into one.