The Secrets to Founding a Family

Getting married and forming a family is a great victory these days, especially in what economist Nicholas Eberstadt calls the “global flight from family.” Among the starkest statistics is that a significant percentage of women tell pollsters they never want to get married. Ever.

While sociologist Brad Wilcox tells us that the divorce rate has plateaued and begun to drop, divorces are still way too high.

One could go on and on and on about the dire straits of marriage and family, and we do. So, getting married and forming a family is, indeed, a great victory these days. It seems to me, and I write about this in my new book, Not Just for Kings: Cultivating a 500-Year Vision for Your Family, that we must plant something more heroic into the hearts of young men and women. Set their sights far beyond merely getting married and forming a family unto something far grander. Consider the notion of “founding” a family.

Found a family that stretches back into the mists of time and far forward into the misty future. This shift in vision speaks to the innate heroism that beats in the breasts of young men and women. Yes, marry and form a family, but think far beyond the here and now: think 500 years into the future. I know this may sound shocking and faintly ridiculous, but this is precisely what kings do. And this is not just for kings. It is for all of us.

In my book, I discuss what I call 10 secrets to protecting and projecting your family through the ages: fecundity, fidelity, stability, saga, compact, kin, kith, intention, daring, and magnanimity. I also discuss money, patriarchy, and dynasty.

Fecundity is easy to understand. Have a lot of children, as many as God gives you. This will ensure your family line will continue. In the book, I tell the story of an unchurched couple who did not want to have children. She found faith, as did he, eventually. They had two girls; from these two girls came 18 grandchildren, and from them the multiplying of generations continues.

Fidelity refers to creed, to faith. The Church connects us to a larger story, the communion of eternity. To be sure, those without faith have projected their families through the ages, but it is much harder if you do not have a theological vision.

Stability means countering that wanderlust that seems to live in the hearts of Americans and tells us to move for a better job, a better city, a better view, a better style of life. No. Stay right where you are because this will connect you to others, to kith and kin, two other very important secrets.

I use kith instead of community because community has become devalued. Kith is an old word, an ancient word that means people bound by familiarity, friendship, love, and geography.

Kin is obvious, but still people move away from kin. I did. Maybe most of us do. After all, we go away to college, often never to return. The nuclear family is fragile.

What is needed is a multigenerational family living in proximity. Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. And that glorious thing called cousins. I write in the book about a family called Wauck that has many branches near us in Northern Virginia. One branch is the Carneys, our friends Tim and Katie. Their children have 37 cousins, almost all living nearby. How magnificent is that?

And then there are the secrets of saga and compact. Saga means knowing and telling the family story. We owe a great debt to the Mormons for their voluminous genealogical work. Anyone can go online and discover ancestors going back hundreds of years. And with a little work, you can also find out their story, the family saga that is yours.

I discovered that one of my Balch ancestors came here from England only two years after the Pilgrims, and he founded Salem, Massachusetts. A Ruse ancestor signed up for General Washington’s Army and was present at Cornwallis’ surrender. This is some of my family saga.

Compact is closely related. This is where you consciously connect yourself to your ancestors and your descendants. Whether you know it or not, you live under a Compact that ties you backward to your ancestors and far forward to your descendants, and it binds them to you and your family. You might even write a formal Compact recognizing these ties.

Here’s the thing. It is a miracle many times over that we are here. Just think: our ancestors lived through perilous times—war, famine, pestilence—yet someone somewhere lived long enough to beget the next line, and the next, and the next, unto you and me. God willing, you will have descendants who will owe you for what you did to keep the line going. And don’t you know they will want to know the story of their family. They will want to know your name.

Getting married and forming a family is very good. But the human story is so much more than that. There is more to your story than that.

And if you think I am only speaking to the young, you are wrong. It is never too late to found or to know you are part of a founded family. There is a lovely story about French Marshal Hubert Lyautey who, one day, asked his gardener to plant a red oak in a particular spot.

The gardener replied, “But Monsieur le Maréchal, a red oak tree takes over a hundred years to grow to maturity. You will never live to see it fully grown.”

His reply speaks to us today, right now: “In that case, there is no time to lose. Plant it this afternoon.”

This is what we are called to. Form a family, yes. But more than that, found a family that will last 500 years and more.