We Are in the Upper Room

The Gospels do not tell us precisely where the apostles went after the crucifixion, but there is some evidence that they retired to the upper room where the Last Supper had taken place. Perhaps, as we are told they did later, they locked the doors out of fear. I have been trying to do a lectio divina and place myself there to experience what was going on with the apostles. I find myself in an extremely uncomfortable scenario.

Peter, who had recently betrayed Christ, was there—Peter (the rock!) who had also, along with all the other apostles besides John, run away from the scene of the crucifixion. Did others know that Peter had betrayed Christ? Did he tell them? Did they question John about what he saw and heard and experienced at the crucifixion? Did they all feel like rats, or were they dominated by fear that they would be arrested and punished for being His followers? 

Certainly, they were tremendously confused. Scripture tells us that they had forgotten—even John?!—that Jesus told them He was going to rise on the third day. It must have been terribly uncomfortable to be in the very room where Jesus introduced the Eucharist, that they were to do in memory of Him, and where Jesus washed their feet. Moreover, He had said to them: 

It is you who have stood by me in my trials, and I confer a kingdom on you, just as my Father had conferred one on me, that you may eat and drink at my table in the kingdom, and you will sit on the thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel. (Luke 22:28-30) 

Did they discuss this and try to puzzle out what it must mean in the light of Jesus’ death, or were they just so traumatized that their memories were erased? Their misery must have been phenomenal. 

Some of us have experienced the last pontificate as a trauma, but that is not the worst of it. Many have been diving deeply into the dark forces in the Church and have found Masons, communists, modernists, homosexuals, and satanists. We are positively reeling at the extent of corruption that has been present for over a century in the Church, if not much longer (always?).  Some of us have experienced the last pontificate as a trauma, but that is not the worst of it. Many have been diving deeply into the dark forces in the Church and have found Masons, communists, modernists, homosexuals, and satanists.Tweet This

God has chosen to pull back a bit the veil that has hidden the cosmic battle being waged by Satan and his legions against all that is good in this world. It shakes us to the core of our being, since the Church has always been our bulwark and refuge against the evil present in the world, an evil that has infiltrated the Church. We are sad and disoriented and even sometimes suspect that we have been abandoned.

In many ways, we are like those befuddled, weak, forgetful apostles in the upper room, although we are tempted to think we would be stronger than they were—how could they desert Jesus, how could they fail to believe Him when they witnessed so many miracles and heard so many of His stirring discourses? 

But then again, in a sense, we know what the apostles knew and more—we have received the graces of the sacraments, we have the witness of the saints, and we have centuries of brilliant theology. Many—if not most—Catholics have experienced personal miracles or know of others who have. Yet, unfortunately, we, like the apostles, not only doubt our own experiences but we, too, have forgotten the promises of Christ—among them, the promise that “I am with you always, even unto the end of the world” (Matthew 28:20) and the promise that the gates of Hell will not prevail against His Church (Matthew 16:18).

Wherever the apostles were after the crucifixion, they were undoubtedly anxious and impatient. Let’s not be that way. We must be hopeful and confident that the Holy Spirit has a plan to purify the Church (note that the Church Triumphant is pure, but not the Church Militant!). The greatly needed purification may happen, or at least get well underway, in the next pontificate, or it may not happen for decades and even centuries. 

We were never promised holy or even good leaders. To expect and demand them is presumptuous and foolish. We do believe the teachings of the Church cannot be changed by any pope, even should he want to. When it seems that a pope is doing so, when it seems we have been abandoned, we must be patient and trust that the Holy Spirit has a plan.

Not long after the risen Christ presented Himself to the apostles, they went fishing. They rightly decided to attend to their livelihoods and not sit around and speculate or mope. Christ appeared and filled their nets to the breaking point and then fed them breakfast. The intimacy and sweetness of His appearance is stunning. He knows what we need and want, and He will supply it to us in the most unexpected ways. 

I pray that the coming Conclave will give us what we need and want. But if God decides for our benefit to permit a longer time of misery in the upper room, I know that the only sensible thing to do is to pray and hope and trust.